August 5, 2021

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I paid off my fiancé’s $40,000 truck. He wants me to refinance my home with a VA loan — and only his name on the deed

Dear Quentin,

I am a teacher, widow and mother of a toddler. I entertain myself and my daughter with an income. My fiance was having trouble getting a car loan. I paid for his truck with $ 40,000 of my savings. We didn’t talk about how he would repay me.

Now that we want to live together, I asked him for the budget because I think he is spending more than he is making. He asked me to split the expenses 50/50 even though he makes more money than me.

That seems unfair as he is moving into my house and will pay less than he paid himself. (He’s divorced and never asked his ex-wife to work. He paid for everything – even a child she had with someone else.)

He wants to buy my house so we can cut mortgage rates, but only his name will be on the deed and he will ask for a VA home loan. Should I tell him to split the budget on a percentage basis?

And should I ask him to pay me back the $ 40,000 a month?


Dear Elle,

Let’s start with the question you didn’t ask, “Should I refinance my fiancé’s home? Surname?”

No. You gave him $ 40,000 of your savings, money that could have been used in an emergency and / or on a savings plan for your daughter’s education. That he accepted that, considering that you earn less than him and a young daughter, is shocking.

Your fiance should want you to put your and your daughter’s needs first. So far he has focused on his financial needs. People fall in love and lose track of what makes a healthy relationship. Even the word “fiancé” sounds nice – and paired with the fact that he apparently supported his former wife and child, gives him a halo effect. Build your own halos.

Start by acting in the best interests of your own family. Beware of people who will tell you a story they are the hero in and then ask for money and your home. Yes, you should ask him to repay the money you gave him. Unfortunately, without a notarized loan agreement, he can say it was a gift. The courts are full of the credit versus gift dilemma. Usually such cases are people who have been in a relationship.

Write down the qualities you would like a partner to have. Taking money to pay for a truck from someone with a young child to care for should be included in the column of people who are best avoided. And in the “ideal partner” column? Financially solvent. Generous with his time. Be careful with his money. And be careful with your money. Basically someone who is not acting in their own interest.

His truck should be decorated with red flags. Relationships can bring a sense of security, the warmth of camaraderie, and good times, but they shouldn’t be a drain on your savings and Your home at risk. Losing one of them is unfortunate, but giving up both is reckless.

The only contract he should sign is a contract stating that he took $ 40,000 from you and a roadmap for him to repay it.

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