September 19, 2021

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My boyfriend pays me $500 a month towards expenses. My mortgage is $2,200. He asked me to lend him $20K so he can build a business and retire in the Caribbean

I’ve lived with my boyfriend for six years, but we’ve been together for 10 years. We’re in our 40s and we’ve just learned to be happy in each other’s company. We get along well, and at this point we are both comfortable with the status quo – that is, we have no marriage plans in sight.

I pay $ 2,200 a month in mortgage and utilities and he helps me out with $ 500 in cash and buy the groceries for our house. He was also able to take me to work and saved me money on transportation. I’ve been working from home for a year, but will probably be back in the office in September.

Sometimes I wish he would contribute more to our expenses, but he disagrees because the apartment is in my name. I bought it before we moved in, and although he lives here, he doesn’t quite feel in it. I can’t stop wondering if I’m being unfair? Does he give me enough support when it comes to our expenses?


“Sometimes I wish he’d contribute more to our expenses, but he doesn’t feel like he has to as the apartment is in my name.”

We don’t always agree on financial matters. Hence, we do not consider marriage, and we both protect our respective property. Since we first met, he has told me that he plans to retreat to the Caribbean and start a business there that will allow him to retire in comfort in a tropical paradise.

Well, he feels ready to work on this dream after saving enough money. I was never excited about investing my money overseas, and although he suggested that I join the venture, I turned it down. Although I trust him, I am afraid of losing money if something happens to him.

After all, we’re not even married yet, and so his immediate beneficiaries are his children from his first marriage. He just asked me for a $ 20,000 loan so he could have enough leverage without borrowing from the bank. I am not comfortable doing this without some guarantee or involvement in the project.


“He never really insisted on me becoming a co-owner, which seems strange to me.”

I refused to support him in his endeavor and yes, I refused to marry. He never particularly insisted on me becoming a co-owner, which seems strange to me. Sure, I can see him retire, but it will be his property, which is why I think that’s why he didn’t propose a serious marriage.

I get the strange feeling that he’s waiting to be the sole owner of his business and only then proposes marriage so that if he gets divorced, his property doesn’t have to be shared as a common good. Yet I also feel like I can’t support enough, and my decision could damage our relationship.

How should I approach his request without hurting him and our relationship? Twenty thousand dollars is a lot of money even in New York, and I’m not rich. He offered to pay $ 3,000 in interest when the time to repay, but I still don’t like that idea that much.

So many doubts

Dear doubts,

Don’t lend him $ 20,000. You will likely never see this money again, even if the two of you have signed a notarized loan agreement. His promise of $ 3,000 interest repayment sounds hollow and is just another sign of his false bravery and self-esteem. He is not ready to work on his business.

First, he only thinks he’s ready because he’s paying you a small amount of money for the cost of living. You pay a mortgage, utilities, property taxes, and in return he gives you $ 500 and saves you money on gas by driving you to work. Give this man a Nobel Peace Prize!

Second, if he has to borrow $ 20,000 from his girlfriend – the same woman who made it possible for him to save that money by living cheaply in her home – he is unwilling to achieve his dream. If Gall was an Olympic sport, he would get a gold medal!


“His grand plans belittle his ability to be financially independent.”

Third, his grand plans belittle his ability to be financially independent. If he doesn’t feel like this condo is his home, then he can buy his home. He’s moving to the Caribbean and will retire there after years of successfully paying off? And TU you Would you like to move to the Caribbean? Did he even ask you?

Here is an imaginary letter to the Moneyist from someone who may seem eerily familiar: “How do I tell my 10-year-old friend that I only want to give her $ 500 for her monthly expenses to live in her home, and.. Borrow $ 20,000 to save? for my future – without hurting your feelings? “

Let’s talk about your feelings instead of his feelings. Imagine if this were your friend’s suggestion on your first dinner date: “I will contribute less than a quarter of your living expenses and you will give me a down payment for my business so I can retire in the Caribbean. Waiter, I’ll have the steak. She will have the gazpacho! ”

Don’t wait for this revealing guy to propose marriage. Consider this scenario carefully. How would that make your life better? Maybe you’re happy with the status quo, or maybe – just maybe – you’d be happier with a tenant paying $ 1,500 a week and dating men who don’t treat their relationships like ATMs.

Also read: Jamie Dimon insists that his staff return to the office – so that’s a bit rich

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